


i dream (i drown)

by makemelovely



Series: i wake [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Minor Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Minor Will Byers/Mike Wheeler, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 17:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19835230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Max dreams of Jane and sometimes she wishes she didn’t.





	i dream (i drown)

**Author's Note:**

> title from in by the musical Carrie bc i am a musical theater nerd. I’m going to take a minute and explain this soulmate au so buckle up  
> -okay so soulmates dream of each other. Dreaming is an umbrella term that contains both good dreams and nightmares.  
> -the only way to stop the dreams is to sleep next to your soulmate  
> -dreams take a few hours for your subconscious to fully form them, but it comes up with ideas quicker if it starts to get used to having minimal time like say thirty minute naps every day.  
> -ppl who aren’t with their soulmate are at a disadvantage bc they don’t get enough peaceful sleep to function bc it’s an every night thing  
> -your soulmate is a shadowy figure in your dreams until u meet them  
> -you can be aware that youre dreaming but you cant stop the dream  
> -the pain u feel in a dream is real emotionally and it's like phantom pain physically

Jane leans in, hand cupping her jaw before traveling down. Her fingers are warm against Max’s pulse which pounds beneath her touch. Jane looks beautiful, background dimly lit which makes the sharpness of her jawline softer. Her eyes are warm, and her smile is soft enough that warmth blooms in the pit of Max’s stomach like flowers.

“Jane,” she whispers, eyes wide and filled with awe. “Jane, I love you.”

Jane smiles, but there’s a coldness in her eyes that makes Max shiver. “Oh, Max,” she sighs, disappointment heavy in her words. Her hand wraps delicately around Max’s throat. Max swallows, and her air is abruptly cut off as Jane squeezes. Max opens her mouth, frantically trying to draw air in. Mike appears over Jane’s shoulder, his hand on her shoulder and watching impassively. “It was never you.” Jane says to her, grip tightening.

Bursts of darkness filter into Max’s vision, and her head feels heavy. Her lungs are burning, her throat keeps constricting uselessly, and the ache in her heart is almost tangible. Max tries to say something, anything, that could make Jane stop. “Jane, please.” Max forces out. “You're killing me.” She pleads.

There’s infinite sadness in Jane’s eyes, but her grip doesn't loosen. “I know.” She agrees sadly, and the world slides into darkness. The last thing Max sees are brown eyes, sad and resolved in a way that chills her to her very core.

Max wakes up, chest heaving and clutching her throat as hot tears slide down her face. She draws in air just to prove that she can, just to prove that Jane’s hands aren't around her throat.

Eventually she can draw air in without feeling like her throat is absolutely scorched by fire. She drops back against her bed, heart racing and feeling vaguely ill. “Fucking nightmares.” She mutters, rolling over and attempting to fall back asleep. _Maybe this time it’ll be good,_ she thinks.

She doesn't fall asleep, just stares at the wall and thinks of Jane’s sad eyes and her hands around Max’s throat.

* * *

“You feeling okay?” Jane asks, smoothing some of Max’s hair back when she skulks into their AP English class and all but collapses into her seat.

“Yeah, just,” Max waves a hand around in the air, using an arm to lay her head down on. “You know.”

Jane blinks at her, tilting her head to really examine Max. The dark circles under her eyes, her pale skin, the exhaustion smeared across her face as if she had fallen asleep with makeup on. “Ah,” she hums an acknowledgment. “Nightmares.” Her voice drops to a whisper, and her touch becomes more geared to soothe than to briefly care for.

“Yeah.” Max shrugs, eyes fluttering shut. They’re just supposed to read the book today in class, and Max had finished it over the weekend.

Jane lets her rest for a minute before asking her something. “Do you know who it is?” She asks hesitantly, and Max can picture the gentle probing look on her face. Part of her wants to open her eyes and really look at her, but even the thought of opening her eyes is exhausting.

“No idea.” Max lies, and she lets sleep sweep over her. An hour will do. An hour free of any kind of dream is pure bliss. She’s just lucky it takes longer for dreams to form, and even luckier that Jane’s presence keeps nightmares at bay. Well, she’ll keep any dreams at bay, but the plain unchanging blankness of not having a dream is like liquid delight in her veins.

Jane lets her sleep, only bothering her when the bell rings. Max grins at her, still bone tired but almost okay. After all, Jane is smiling back at her with her bright eyes and brighter smile. It’s like swimming in sunshine. Warm and comforting in an extreme way. Like there's sun on her cold skin for the first time ever.

She forgets about the nightmares for the moment. Nothing can touch her with Jane’s smile still lingering on her skin.

* * *

She slides in next to Will at lunch, glancing at her usual spot by Jane. Her hand is entangled with Mike’s, and she looks adorably confused by Max’s location. Mike is using on hand to wave around as he talks, but Jane pays no attention to the words he’s speaking. Instead, she stares at Max in bewilderment, brows furrowed and eyes wide and hurt.

Max meets her eyes for a moment before looking away, eyes falling to her bowl of fruit that she doesn't even really want. She pops a grape in her mouth, and turns to Will so she won't be tempted to look at Jane’s softly confused face.

It doesn't work.

She half-heartedly listens to Mike going on and on about some stupid movie he saw that weekend, and then about hockey tryouts because Mrs. Wheeler is apparently the worst mother ever because she wants her tall child to do some healthy physical activity that _isn't_ biking to the arcade and back on the rare occasion he doesn't take the car.

She’s really just thinking of the cream colored sweater Jane is wearing, and the smell of her floral perfume, and the brightly colored barrettes in her hair. The way her eyes shine when she smiles, pinks lips stretching upwards like there's no force that could contain her smile.

She’s gone. Truly gone over a girl who laughs at every lame joke like it’s the funniest thing in the world, and Max can't even pretend to think it’s lame.

“Hey, Max? Can we, like, head out and talk?” Jane asks, reaching across the table to tap on pink painted fingernail against the back of Max’s hand.

Max turns, long hair swishing with the movement. She bites her lip, glancing back at Will before nodding. “Uh, yeah. Sure, Jane.” Max gets to her feet, dumping her half eaten lunch in the trash and putting her tray away.

Jane takes her hand, leading her out of the cafeteria and into a deserted hallway. Max pulls away, hand burning, and leans against the wall nonchalantly. “What’s up?” Max asks, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets to hide the way they shake.

Jane ducks her head slightly, taking a deep breath before moving closer to Max. “I’m just worried about you. How long have the nightmares been bothering you?” She inquires directly, meeting Max’s eyes steadily.

Max laughs, breath coming out short and surprised and _bitter_ most of all. “Fuck, Jane. When haven't the nightmares bothered me?” She tries to lean away from Jane, but _hello_ there's a wall there and it isn't effective in the slightest.

“Oh.” Jane nods, reaching out and grabbing Max’s arms. She looks at Max earnestly, eyes soft and understanding.

Max pokes at her cheek with her tongue, feeling her eyes begin to well up with tears. “Everybody with a soulmate has nightmares. I have more nightmares than dreams, and that's okay. I’ve learned to live with it. If I go to sleep early it will take two hours for a nightmare to form. It depends on how long it takes for me to wake up, and then how long to fall asleep again, and finally if any other nightmares form. I’ve had so many nightmares lately that sleeping only hurts me. And Jane I’m so fucking tired, but I can't sleep.” Max whispers, voice cracking as tears spill slowly down her cheeks.

Jane wraps her arms around her, holding her tightly as Max sniffles into her neck. Max loves her, and her touch is searing in the worst way possible, but Max keeps clutching onto her like a lifeline.

Stupidly she thinks that she wouldn't trade all of her nightmares away so long as she got to feel the weight of Jane’s arms around her.

Max never claimed to be smart.

* * *

Jane kisses her in a million dreams, blurring beneath Max’s eyelids in a whirl of color and laughter and love blossoming warm and ful between soulmates.

Max feels whole.

Jane kills her in a million dreams, face alight with a manic kind of despair that curdles Max’s blood and makes her stomach twist into knots as the girl she loves more than anything splinters her into pieces purposefully.

Max feels empty.

Two sides of the same coin, two sides of a story. Two sides of pain, and Max can't tell which one hurts worse.

* * *

Max confesses her feelings in front of everyone, and dimly she thinks that this is a nightmare, but the thought doesn't process right and drifts to the back of her mind like the memories she has of the Spanish class she took freshman year.

She tells Jane that she is the sun, burning and brimming with energy that lights her up like every stat in the night sky. She tells Jane that she deserves the whole universe and more, that if Max could give her the world she would.

Something blooms to life in her chest, and she can feel it wither as she waits for the resulting silence that hangs heavy in the air.

And then the applause begins. Thunderous applause, and Max squints against the stage lights to see Jane racing towards the steps.

She holds her arms out, and Jane barrels into her like a train. Max stumbles back a few steps due to the force and momentum, and Jane connects their lips fiercely. It’s all love and warmth and tender delight burning through. Max smiles against her lips, and Jane pulls away. She winds her arms around Max’s neck, grinning at her like she’s the only person in the world.

“I love you.” Max whispers.

“I love you, too.” Jane tells her.

Max wakes up, reaching for the empty side of her bed, ache between her ribs like she's been hollowed out inside.

The nightmares tear her heart apart, and the dreams give her hope only to dash hee awake with reality.

Max can't figure out a way she wins this situation.

* * *

She stays up all night, staring at the wall and not really seeing anything. Her eyelids grow heavy, and she thinks about the curve of Jane’s jaw and the shape of her lips. The darkness looks inviting, and she imagines a night where she doesn't dream of Jane. Her stomach twists at the thought of not seeing Jane’s face in her dreams. Her wide brown eyes, her wildly messy hair, the sleep soft curve of her mouth. Jane’s eyes going cold, mouth forming words that sting like lashes against Max’s skin, the cold sneer tilting on her lips. Her fingers curling around Mike’s, her hand on Max’s waist, every dream and nightmare blurring into one long hazy memory.

A lifetime's worth of love and pain.

Max stares and stares until her alarm goes off, the sound echoing long after she gets to school. Will buys her a cup of coffee, and she smiles her tired gratitude at him.

“Nightmare?” He asks softly, and Max looks at the dark circles underneath his eyes, at the exhaustion reflected there.

“No.” Max says.

“Oh.” Will breathes, realization bright in his eyes.

Max nods. “Yeah.” She bites her lip, turning her head and waiting for Jane to come in. The double doors are pushed open, and Jane walks in, fingers wrapped around Mike’s elbow. Max swallows roughly, heart simultaneously soaring and sinking. She’s laughing, head tilted back and mouth wide open in a grin. Mike smiles fondly at her, carefully holding her upright. They love each other.

They’re _at ease_ with each other in a way that shouldn’t sting, but it _does_ despite Max’s best attempts to keep the bite away. She shouldn’t be so selfish, but some small part of her whispers that she _isn’t,_ that anybody would react like this in her situation. That everybody wants to be with their soulmate even if it isn’t possible.

Max just wants to be happy for her. She just wants to feel overjoyed when Jane smiles ear to ear after some corny joke that Mike whispers in her ear, but it takes all of her muscles to smile and pretend. Jane is her soulmate, and Max can’t help but long for her to laugh at Max’s amazing jokes and smile at her, all fond tenderness and euphoria pouring out of her skin like some kind of blessing. A golden light from a golden girl that would wash over Max and make her reborn, all fire and no ash.

What would it be like to feel her touch? To feel Jane tenderly brush her hands over her skin and swipe the soot away, to kiss the ashy taste from her mouth?

What would it feel like to be loved by Jane?

It’s a question she doesn’t have a real answer for.

“Which one is it?” Will asks her quietly.

Max jumps from the proximity, his words brushing along the back of her neck like a nightmare all on its own. “Oh, um,” She stutters, panic blooming in her chest like flowers.

He touches her hand, stopping the words sputtering out of her mouth. “I’ve known Mike for forever, you know? I had my first nightmare when I was twelve. It’s always been Mike.” She jerks her head up, breath catching in her throat. It sticks there, clinging until she pushes it out in an exhale, heart beating loudly in her chest. The words ricochet around in her head like the aftermath of a gunshot. Will scrubs a hand down his face, and Max wonders about the exhaustion he’s carried around since he was twelve. That bone deep tired that clings and drags you down until you don’t know what day of the week it is and you can’t breathe normally because it’s been so long since you slept peacefully and you forgot how to not be at war with yourself.

“I’ve never had a dream Mike wasn’t in.” He looks at her steadily, and Max imagines what would happen if she lied. She pictures herself saying Mike Wheeler is her soulmate, and she wonders if Will would let her lie or not. If he would tell her that she can trust him and that he knows she’s lying and that he won’t tell her.

She entertains the thought of lying to him and him believing her, but she’s so tired and she’s carried this secret in her heart for ages now and she just wants to tell someone.

“It’s Jane.” She says, lets the words sink from her mouth into the aching silence between them. “Jane is my soulmate.” Max whispers, letting the truth drop from her shoulders like a cloak she’s been wearing.

It feels good. It’s like there’s one less boulder on her shoulder weighing her down now that she’s told someone. It feels better than taking a nap in math class and it feels better than watching that book to movie adaption with Nancy last month. It feels soft in a way that’s always felt hard.

“Jane is my soulmate.” She breathes, and Will watches as utter weightlessness floats across her face. She looks peaceful, content even. It sparks something in her body, like a light flipping on in a room that’s only ever been dark. Like new life has flown into her with admission, and it combats the complete tiredness clinging to her.

She’s sharing something with someone. Maybe the only person who understands what she’s going through.

She looks at Will, really looks at him for what feels like the first time. “Thank you.” He blinks at her, a little confused but still understanding. Max thinks that maybe he just needs the words really said to feel them. “For trusting me about Mike, and giving me a safe space to share. I really appreciate it.” Max hugs him, squeezing him to let him know all of the words in her brain that she could say.

Will nods, and that’s how they are when Jane and Mike come over. “What’s up with you two?” Jane asks, face pinched in a confused way. Mike eyes the two of them curiously, his eyes flickering between them. His mouth is set in a frown, the corner of his lips tugging down almost disapprovingly.

Max runs a hand through her hair, releasing a laugh that is entirely composed of air. “Nothing. Just two kids who get each other, you know?” She turns, smiling gently at him. She has a friend. A friend who knows her number one secret, and she isn’t even that scared. It’s a great feeling.

“Oh.” Jane says, voice small. Max doesn’t notice the way she wrings her hands together or the way she stares at them long after they’ve moved on to another topic of conversation.

* * *

Max is laughing in a hazy way that alerts her to the fact that she is dreaming. The sound drifts in and out, and she’s seeing everything through a filter like she’s starring in some fucking indie film.

She’s on a cliff, and the water roars down below, rocks dotting the surface. They are sharp and pointy and they will hurt.

Jane is beside her, hair pulled up into a ponytail as she spins around barefoot. She’s in a yellow bikini and her skin is as tan as it is in the summer. Max smiles at her because she can’t help it, and Jane’s laugh echoes around. Max can’t help but wonder what this is.

Jane steps forward, and she keeps going until she’s almost at the edge. Her gold anklet flashes in the warm sunlight, and Max thinks about how she wore it for, like, a month. Nancy had given her a bunch of old clothes and jewelry and stuff that she didn’t wear or need, and Jane had found the anklet almost immediately. She treasured it. She absolutely adored it, and she wore it for the whole month of June.

“Jane-” Max calls out to her, worry spiking at her proximity to the edge.

Jane whirls around, grinning broadly. “C’mon, Max,” she yells back. “Don’t you want to jump with me?” She takes a small step backwards, eyes gleaming.

Max can’t tell if this is a nightmare or not.

“What?” She creaks, her mind flashing to what Joyce had said to Will when Dustin convinced everybody to come talk to Suzie in the dead of night because it would fun or something. _If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?_ She had said, eyes watery in that worried Joyce Byers way. Will had said no because really what else was he going to say?

Jane jerks her head to indicate the water below. “Are you going to jump with me or not?” She turns back around, and Max’s stomach clenches at the physicality of the movement. It means something symbolically, and Max would rather die (or jump off a cliff, she guesses) than let Jane turn her back on her. It’s like she’s being abandoned all over again, dropped the second she tells her friends she’s moving. The phone calls will dwindle to nothing, and her past will be just that. The past.

Maybe it’s irrational. Maybe it’s stupid. It’s probably both, but Max walks forward anyways.

“No,” she hears herself saying. “I’ll do it.” Jane turns her head to look over her shoulder at her, and the smile she beams Max’s way is warmer than the goddamn sun. “I’ll jump.” She insists, running her sweaty palms down her jeans. Well, she’s not exactly dressed for cliff jumping, but she’ll do it in jeans and her hoody if she has to.

Something in her brain tells her that she doesn’t have to, that she can leave, but she swallows her nerves down and walks towards Jane.

“Take my hand?” Jane asks, blushing slightly as her lashes flutter.

“Yeah.” Max agrees, taking Jane’s hand in her own. “Let’s do this.” She says as confidently as she can muster.

They count to three, and then they jump. For a second she feels feather light, like she could float with the breeze. Her heart is pounding, and Jane’s hand in her own is like a weight anchoring her to the earth. Anchoring her to this moment.

She feels infinite for one second, and then Jane’s hand is torn out of her own and she is plummeting down to the water. Down to the rocks.

She squeezes her eyes shut and feels a cold wash over her bottom half. Pain burns through her body like she’s been set on fire. She gasps in a breath, licking her lips in an attempt to steady herself. She can locate the pain to her back and stomach on the left side of her body. She remembers the rocks dotting the surface, and a wave bursts over her. It washes over her like a rock falling down, pushing insistently as it moves over her. 

When it’s gone she sees Jane in a sea of blue, smiling over at her like nothing is wrong. Jane waves over her shoulder, calling for Max to follow her.

“I can’t.” Max mumbles, the words silent in the face of the rushing water. All she can see is blue, and it’s almost blurring in front of her eyes. A wave rises up and crashes down over her.

All Max can see is blue, and then she can’t see anything at all.

Yellow in a sea of blue, red fanning out like seaweed on the water.

Joy in the midst of sadness.

Max wakes up, gasping for air and seeing the wave crash down again and again. For a moment all she can see is blue.

She sits up, heart pounding out of her chest and moving at the speed of a hummingbird’s. Her fingers press against her stomach, pressed against a phantom pain.

She tries not to cry in the shower, but she fails. Her knees pressed against her chest as her shoulders shake.

She throws up after, clumsily collapsing to her knees and attempting to hold her hair back. She washes her mouth out and brushes her teeth, opting to skip breakfast.

She’s not sure she can taste anything but sea water, and she isn’t quite sure she could hold it down.

Better safe than sorry.

* * *

“Do you want to sleep over at my house on Friday?” Jane asks, nervously tugging at her hair.

Max smiles, gently knocks their shoulders together. Her shoulder burns after, but it’s the good kind of burn. The happy kind where you feel good and warm. “Yeah, of course. What time?”

They work out the details, and Max thinks about a night free of nightmares. A night of endless sleep and no worries. A night where she won’t wake up aching or crying or longing.

A night where she’s not afraid of falling asleep.

She goes over on Friday, humming a song under her breath. She had packed a few comics for them to go over because Jane likes when Max reads to her. When they were a little younger Max would read aloud, and Jane would lean against her and fall asleep to the sound of Max’s voice. That first morning after it had happened, Jane had blushed and said it was because Max’s voice was soothing.

Max didn’t exactly mind. It was cute, okay?

“Max!” Jane ducks her head out the window, waving enthusiastically. She leans back inside her room, and Max can hear her shouting at Hopper. “She’s here! Max is here.”

Max grins to herself, cheeks flushing. It feels nice to have somebody so excited about her arrival.

“Yeah, kid. I know.” Max hears Hopper reply, and she laughs.

Hopper opens the door, and she heads straight for Jane’s room. “Hey.” She breathes, standing in the doorway and feeling like the biggest dork on the planet.

“Hey.” Jane mirrors her smile, and maybe Max feels like the _happiest_ dork on the planet.

Jane’s room is a carefully curated collection of things Jane likes. There are bright colors and posters and make up spread over the vanity. It’s brightly lit, and Jane is written all over the walls. Not, like, _literally_ or anything. It just feels like Jane.

It feels like home, if Max is being honest. She feels safe here, and undeniably warm. Hopper is always tolerant of her and sometimes he’s even downright pleasant.

Jane is a delight as always. She’s always enthralled by everything Max has to say, and Max loves hearing her talk about things she cares about. She could listen to Jane talk about some soap opera for hours and hours, and she’s pretty sure she has at one point or another.

She feels comfortable here, and that’s really all she wants.

They listen to music and dance and sing and they joke. Max is hilarious as always, but there’s something special about watching Jane struggle to catch her breath, eyes joyfully squinted and mouth wide open as joy pours out. Her laugh is, like, a song all on its own. It brightens something up inside of Max, something lighting her up from the inside. Like there’s a plant growing and Jane is the sun.

Sunflowers grow towards the sun, and Max thinks she’s like a sunflower because she instinctively moves to always see Jane. Jane is the sun, providing warmth and life and love.

Max swallows, smile faltering slightly as the flush on Jane’s cheeks grow brighter and her smile softens affectionately.

“I love you, you know.” Jane says suddenly, eyes serious. “Like so much.”

“I love you, too.” Max echoes, and she knows Jane doesn’t mean it like she does, but she lets herself feel it for a moment anyways. Maybe it’s not hers to feel, but sometimes it feels like the only thing keeping her sane is the warmth and love Jane radiates.

Having a soulmate means you’re always going to want them. There is always going to be a part of you aching for them, longing for them. You search for them in every thing you do even if you aren’t aware you’re doing it. Sometimes Max thinks it would be better to not have a soulmate. It’s rare, but some people don’t have nightmares. A desperate part of Max wishes that she was whole all on her own, but the realistic part of her knows that she wouldn’t trade anything for the way she feels about Jane.

If had the choice of trading her pain away but losing Jane in the process, she wouldn’t do it. She would say no.

She’d rather live with the ache of her nightmares in her heart than live a life without her feelings for Jane.

Maybe that’s stupid, but if you asked Max she would say the only stupid thing is people _not_ loving Jane.

“It’s damn near impossible.” Max would say if you asked her.

“Trust me, I’ve tried. It hurts worse to not love her than to love her. Like an endless fever burning through you and there’s no way of getting better. Like the world is falling apart around you but you only have, like, bandaids instead of super glue or something.” Max would say if you asked her.

“I don’t know how to not love Jane.” Max would say if you asked her.

She wouldn’t tell you that loving Jane is killing her, but you’d be able to tell by the weariness in her eyes and the exhaustion hanging over her like a fog.

* * *

Max reads to Jane until she falls asleep, curled into Max’s side and sleeping peacefully. Max plays with the ends of Jane’s hair, eyes flicking between the colorful pages and the soft look on Jane’s face. She’s utterly serene, and Max can’t help but glance over occasionally.

She puts the comic away, sliding down and turning the light off. Jane wraps an arm around her middle, holding on tightly. Max smiles, a whisper of a thing as Jane curls into Max like’s a heat lamp and Jane is absolutely freezing.

She falls asleep quickly, at home with Jane beside her. She sleeps deeply and dreamlessly, and it’s the best feeling in the world. To not wake up crying and in pain. To be rested for once.

Max wakes up well into the afternoon, Jane huddled beside her and sleeping still. She breathes in, happiness settling around her heart like a cord. She waits for the tug, for the cord to pull tight, but it doesn’t come. She is happy, and the feeling is almost alien to her.

Jane yawns, opening her eyes and grinning drowsily at Max. “Hey. Are you hungry?”

Max runs a hand through her hair, laughing softly. “Yeah.” They get out of bed, and Jane tucks her hand in Max’s as she leads the taller girl to the kitchen.

They have cereal, and they eat it while watching cartoons. Max’s legs are tucked underneath her on the couch, and every time she laughs she turns to see Jane watching her laughing, too.

Jane eats her cereal slowly, half paying attention to Max and half paying attention to the television. She’s not really focused on her cereal. “So,” Jane drawls. “How did you sleep?” She takes a bite of her cereal.

“Good.” Max swallows. “You?”

Jane looks at the television, eyes crinkling at one of the jokes. She grins over at Max, shrugging her shoulders. She takes another bite, and Max’s attention drifts back to the television.

She doesn’t hear Jane tell her she slept good, and maybe everything would’ve changed if she had.

She doesn’t notice Jane watching her with that light in her eyes. She doesn’t notice that Jane slept through the whole night and she doesn’t notice the way Jane braids her hair, all care and tender concern.

She doesn’t notice any of that.

* * *

“I had so much fun!” Max grins at her, hugging her tightly.

Jane nods, hugging her back just as tightly. “I did too! Maybe we could make this an every weekend thing.”

Max nods eagerly. “Definitely!”

That would certainly help her with the nightmares. Like a recharge every weekend.

Maybe she’d fall asleep in math a lot less.

* * *

“Max,” her mother had whispered to her once when she was little. “Never want too much.”

Her father had just left hours before.

“When you want too much you get nothing at all. It’s the desire that fuels you, and eventually all you want will become meaningless and you won’t be satisfied. Girls who want too much don’t have happy endings, Max.” Her mother had continued, imploring her to listen and heed her warnings.

Max thought that she had said those things because her dad had left. They hadn’t been soulmates. She had thought it was sweet that they helped each other with their nightmares every night, soothing hands and cups of hot chocolate. It hadn’t been enough.

Max didn’t drink hot chocolate for a year.

She had thought it was brave that they were choosing for themselves. That they loved each other and wanted to be together. It was stupid to think. Eventually her father met his soulmate and left. They were probably happy because the nightmares were over, and Max can’t really be mad at that because she remembers her father’s pale face. He had been clammy after his nightmares, and he cried a lot.

“Never want too much.” Max’s mother repeats. “It never ends well.”

* * *

Jane is dressed in white and walking down the aisle. She looks beautiful. She looks gorgeous. She looks like perfection personified, and Max can’t believe she got this lucky, that this stunning woman was going to be her wife.

She smiles, and she’s crying. She holds her hands out, taking Jane’s and squeezing gently. Jane’s eyes are shiny, and Max can see the emotion welling there, like a hidden gem.

_I love you,_ Max mouths.

_I love you, too,_ Jane mouths back, smiling so softly that it brushes like silk against Max’s skin.

The ceremony rushes by in a blur, cutting straight to the vows.

“I’m in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you.” Max says, speaking from the heart. “I don’t think that a day has gone by that I haven’t been absolutely gone over you, and I can promise that there won’t be a day like that. I love you so much. From the moment I saw you it was like there was only you. Like we were the only two people on this planet. I was drawn to you. Like a moth to a flame. It was instinct, this need to know you that I couldn’t place or ignore. It’s always been you, even when I didn’t understand it or when I tried to ignore it. When I celebrated it and I loved it and I lived it. It’s only ever been you, and I can promise you that it will only ever be you.” Max loves this girl more than anything, and she _knows_ Jane feels the same. She can see it reflecting back at her in her eyes.

“Okay, it’s my turn. Wow, how do I follow that up?” Jane jokes, and she smiles proudly at the laughter that ripples through their guests. “I love you more than anything. I love you more than Wonder Woman and more than Madonna and more than the word bitchin’. I love you more than anything on this earth, and I know you love me too. That’s why it’s so easy to be with you. I know what you’re feeling, and I feel it too. That joy pulsing in time with the beat of your heart. Max, we’re getting married. We kind of are married. I’m so happy. Nothing could top this feeling except knowing I’m going to be spending every day of the rest of my life with you. I love you more than anything on this planet because you are strong and sweet and caring. You love with every fiber of your being, and I adore that. I adore _you._ Being with you is like waking up from a really good dream except I wake up and the dream keeps going. We’re together, and we’re stronger than any obstacle. With you by my side I know I can face anything. I love you, and I can’t wait to face our future together.” Tears slide steadily down Jane’s cheeks, and Max reaches out and wipes them away gently.

They smile, and when they are told to kiss the bride they do. Their guests cheer, and Max holds Jane as close as she can.

“I never want this to end.” Max whispers, smiling even as tears run down her cheeks.

“It won’t.” Jane promises even as her voice fades away, and Max wakes up from her dream.

It had felt so real, and Max reaches over to feel the cold side of the bed to see if Jane is there. For a second she thinks she will feel a body and know that she is wholeheartedly happy, but her fingers stretch out across cold sheets and her stomach sinks.

She bites her lip until it hurts in an effort to drive the tears away, but they come anyway.

Every nice dream is heaven, and she wonders how long she can wake up from paradise before she gives up.

* * *

Dream after dream. Nightmare after nightmare. Her nights are a whirlwind of loving Jane and being happy and loving Jane and being absolutely devastated. It hurts, a fresh kind of pain after every dream that clings to her brain like a cozy sweater.

She’s in a fog for what feels like the whole week, and her only reprieve is her weekend sleepover with Jane. It’s a tradition that they managed to stick with, and Max would be grateful if she wasn’t full to the brim of joy about sleeping through the night.

Max is standing at the precipice of the abyss, and she stares into the darkness and wonders what it would be like to fall. Endless darkness sounds better than the barrage of images of past nightmares and dreams that blur into her vision during the day. She thinks about Jane’s laugh and about how it would feel to sleep without fear, without dread.

Jane tilts her head up to her, face half covered in shadows. _This is a dream,_ Max thinks. _I am dreaming again._

“Max,” She whispers carefully, fingers dragging along Max’s jaw before dropping away completely. “Max, what did you say.”

_I don’t know,_ Max wants to say because she _doesn’t,_ but what kind of answer is that? _I’ll just have to make something up._

Jane looks up at her expectantly, and the truth burns suddenly in Max’s bones. The realization strikes her suddenly, and Max can feel the weight of the truth in her bloodstream.

She glances over. The abyss looks so inviting. She wonders what it would be like to live every day without nightmares.

“Max?” Jane prompts, and she moves to lean over the abyss. She leans over, wobbles. She doesn’t fall, but she might.

Max swallows, dragging her eyes to the darkness and back to Jane. The feeling swells in her throat, that mix of want and shame that her mother must have felt. She feels foolish and hopeless. She doesn’t feel infinite anymore, and it as much blessing as it is a curse.

“Max?” Jane asks, louder this time. It echoes all around them, and she imagines her name echoing down to the end of the abyss like a calling card.

Tears burn in Max’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, and the sound booms all around them like an omen. “I’m sorry I wanted too much.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! If you ever want to hit me up on tumblr and talk about elmax im over there @makemelovely


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